Friday, June 9, 2017

I renamed this blog.



This used to be called "the insiders guide to how things are" and I realized that in a very limited scope this was a good an accurate title. I am pleased however today to announce that I have expanded my view and am no longer all that interested in my own opinions.  

I am very pleased to announce that to capture the big picture I have plagiarized the work of my hero Douglass Addams and just renamed this: The blog at the end of the Universe, in honor of his great hitchhikers book: The Restaurant at the end of the Universe.  those of you who are familiar with Addams work will get this, those who are not, probably won't. Let's all enjoy the ride as I am off in a totally new direction of appreciation, recognition and gratitude.

Time to take a big picture view and not get so hung up on the actions of small minds in big jobs, politicians or anything else that has not evolved since the dinosaurs.  My new blog will feature inspirational quotes, predictions for the future of garbage eating bacteria and why my truck is going to come out on top of any accident between it and an autonomous electric vehicle, Otherwise known as a Johnny Cab, if you are a fan of Arnold and Total Recall.

I am going to ask you to support causes and think about things that cause ill in our society. We are blessed in North America to live in palaces, drive huge machines and make more money in a week than many in other places do all year.

I think there is no excuse for homelessness or untreated mental illness in this country. Every person has potential and those of us, who have done so well being self centered and narcissistic need to realize our fortunes can be fleeting and it is impossible to give away more of anything than you get back.

I have had a phenomenal life, of self importance and instant gratification, my goal now is not to criticize anyone for how they are, because I do not know their story.

Feel blessed, because you are.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Falling off the pedestal I made for myself might be the best thing that ever happened


We all do it I think, place ourselves on pedestals where our issues are so unique or special that there cannot possibly be anyone who has a similar fate. We place ourselves on pedestals  and just enjoy the view of the misery.  I've had a lot of self inflicted grief in my life, so unique I thought, so special, until I met some people with exactly the same life experiences and I realized that my pedestal was a more prison than monument.

Last week was awful, worse in a long time and so unique, or so I thought.  But then I met a group of people who were experts in having awful weeks and I realized that, in comparison, which one should never do, my awful was kind of tame, or so it made me feel. 

It has caused me to look at people in a whole new light: We see the Facebook clichés that say things like "don't judge because everyone has their own struggles" and such, and like most people I took it not to heart at all.  I have grown an appreciation for people, the drunk who is begging for money at a stop light is not, likely performing his life's work. He did not wake up one day and say "I should drink Listerine and beg for loonies". His addiction is not his alone, it belongs to us all because  we are all people.

Some of us are luckier than others, we have nice homes, nice cars and good jobs. We don't think about where to sleep or how to steal food from a dumpster. We have our shite together and that is mostly good luck with a mix of planning.

Many people don't know how to plan, or foresee the consequences of behaviour, they never learned. They get themselves in shitty situations that everyone else could foresee  I am a sudden big proponent of dignity, that each person deserves to be treated as we, ourselves, would like to be treated.  That our luck, or planning or upbringing should not isolate us from those who are not so fortunate

Saturday, June 3, 2017

The more I mind my own business, the better it is for me.



Leading researchers have concluded that minding your own business is the key to happiness.

I cannot count the number of times I was annoyed, surprised or stressed by information, that would have on close examination been determined to be none of my business.  Which poses two questions:

1) Why do I react if it's none of my business? 

2) Why don't I say it's none of my business?

This is kind of my new strategy for life answering these questions. We all know the scenario. The drama starts and we get involved, either because we are told something or because we think some injustice might have been done so we help. The first rule of a good narcissist is to not take responsibility for anything, and by involving me in some drama of some sort, and I responding, I am giving control to the narcissist. I give the bastard an out. I give him, or her a way to keep themselves being the center of attention a little longer. My new adage is "not my circus, not my monkeys"

We don't say  things like "If it don't have my name on it, it's not my mail" very often because as good people we don't want to offend the other one. We are helpers by nature and design, our lives are typically fuller when dedicated to service of others. So we help and saying no is not a natural reaction as it is counter intuitive.  It takes will power to say "not my circus, not my monkeys" The narcissist will think you are trying to withhold something and they will try harder to get it. Until they give up, and if you   capitulate, they win. And they love to win.

So, "not my circus, not my monkeys" is a very useful tool for cutting the legs out from under potentially dramatic situations. My new goal is to  just sit back and wonder how naïve some people can be. Including some stories people tell themselves that could be  on an episode of Family Guy. 

So rather than spend my days trying to protect stupid people from themselves, and as a result encouraging more stupid people to try and book appointments, I have decided to mind my own business.

You have three choices for my involvement in your drama:
1) You can take my advice and I will back you 100%.
2) You can tell me what you are going to do, then do and I will back you 100%.
3) If you say you are going to take my advice, or don't bother to do what you said you were going to do and come running to me when it goes to shite. My answer to you will be: "Not my circus, not my monkeys"

If experience is any sort of teacher, my work with some people just got a whole lot easier.




Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Momzilla: funny stuff that happens at weddings


I pride myself on my dark and twisted sense of humour. I also think that no matter what feedback the "pays the same"  this is especially true at weddings. With the nuclear family having been made into the real weapon of mass destruction a lot of people are opting for alternatives to traditional marriage. People my age have given far too much money to lawyers and you can only get married in some religions once.  It's good business for me and my secular commissioner colleagues since non-secular church weddings often involve regularly attending  church before hand and this does not seem to be quite as popular as it used to be.  

There is an advantage to a church wedding however; seldom does anyone get all grumpy with the priest or rabbi about how the service is to be conducted. Normally the priest is using some hour hundred year old sacramental ritual that doesn't have a lot of flexibility, so you know what you are getting. There is a lot of sign of the cross making: spectacles, testicles, watch and wallet. Some Latin: my father plays dominos better than your father (say that out loud real fast, you'll get it) and  icon worship that nobody really understands anymore.  But all in all it's peaceful, lovely and pipe organs kick ass.

When getting married in an alternative venue, be it a community hall, an old barn or on the veranda of the Magrath Mansion, which is just down the street from my house. Often a new dynamic kicks it and it is: Momzilla.

This needs further definition: usually, but not always,  Momzilla is the mother of the groom, she has really nothing to do on her sons wedding day, whereas the brides Mom is busy with pins and curling irons and generally fussing over her little girl. Worse,  for a lot of groom Mom's  she is divorced,  somewhat bitter, single and the grooms Dad shows up with a date who is  younger, hotter and despised by everyone. In extreme cases Dads  date will look like she was selected off a foreign wives website, because, often this is true.

In one notable example; the date  was smoking hot and just off the plane from Russia. It was obvious she already had her sights on something better than Dad. She was working the room. The grooms Mom was a very nice lady who had strong opinions after her third glass of wine.

The person who gets to tame these circus lionesses, is of course, the marriage commissioner aka me.  I have had many a groom mom offer me suggestions at the last minute, as her son is busy doing vodka shots with the groomsmen and there isn't really anyone else  for her to talk to. I've had them change the script, which I promptly ignored, or suggest that the sunlight will be in the brides eyes and maybe we should rethink where everyone stands I nod my head and I promptly ignore.

Mother of the bride is only ever a huge problem if she is someone of wealth and feels that in paying for this event she should get a major role in how it comes together.  I have had Momzilla's attend the pre-meeting, the rehearsal and of course the ceremony. Often there are several pre-meetings and much fussing about what colour of tie I will wear. My new policy is if you are getting married in a venue that charges $1,000.00 or more just for the space, I'm not your guy, I only own four ties, A Guggenheim and three Gerry Garcia's. I also don't wear a tux.

Momzilla may not realize she is overcompensating, sometimes she just wants a simple and perfect day for her kids and other times she is so crazed with trivial details that she needs to find someone's balls to break, she's been doing it to Dad for a long time and he's already into the scotch. 


Sometimes though it is very good:  recently I had an nice experience with a Mom, the kids had a little girl three weeks old and Mom wanted to be at the front with me, so I cut her into the program and let her say the non-legal bits while she held her first grandbaby.  She was  happy, which worked out all around.

This is an interesting ethical  dilemma: lots of Moms are my age, single, attractive and professional standards are a bit of a grey area.  But like they say, if I have to have a problem, this is the one to have.


How to avoid all this drama:

1) It's your wedding  do what you want.  I did a biker wedding where everyone wore their colours including the bride and groom.  I have also performed house weddings where the TV was on, of this I am not proud.
2) Figure out how to deal with Dad and his child bride from Thailand ahead of time, like maybe just elope, or tell him to leave her at home. He will get it.
3) Give the commissioner a heads up if you know of some unmanaged family dynamic and is likely to rear it's head.  
4) Nobody can stop your wedding: When I ask the question if anyone knows a reason why you can't be married, the list is pretty short;  not getting married in your parents church is not one of them.  I have on occasion, spoken to Mom and Dadzilla and asked if is this is how they want their daughter to remember  her wedding day?  I am like a baseball umpire on this one, it ain't nothing till I say it's something and you can't argue with the ump. So don't sweat it we know the rules.
5) If you are on a budget, buy your rings at a pawn shop, come over to my house with two witnesses and we'll do it right here in front of the fireplace. 
6) Unlike priests, the commissioner generally does not attend the reception, I may have a glass of wine at a house wedding, but the expected standard is to perform the service, get paid and go.

Being a marriage commissioner is a lot of fun, since I also do house inspections, I had one couple that I married call me for the inspection, she was pregnant and asked if I was a Doula too?  Fortunately  she was kidding. They had a good simple wedding, bought a good simple house and had a nice baby. A great way to start life together.

Second marriages are generally a lot simpler, most because everyone is older and has a "been there done that" attitude, which can make for an awesome party.







Monday, May 1, 2017

Climate change, science and phobia


My last post was about the  "Monkey Mind", that state between sanity and information overload.  This topic occurred to me  when a friend commented on Facebook that he couldn't tell if it was global warming or global cooling, to which I responded "It's always global something".    

Global something, indeed,  I am not a "Climate Change Denier" I am also not convinced that people are so bad for the planet that we should eliminate ourselves from it. We have to eat, we have to get places and in Alberta the only thing that keeps us from freezing to death is central heating and quarter inch thick pieces of glass.  I actually do understand some of the science and  the model of a positive feedback loop:

The more ice melts, the more dark sea water, dirt and rocks  are exposed which absorb more heat, melt more ice, which causes more dark sea water, dirt and rocks to be exposed which absorb more heat and melts more ice. That is a positive feedback loop and climate change in a nut shell. 

Science will also tell us that young trees sequester more carbon than old trees, so cutting old trees and planting new ones, like the forest companies do, is good for the environment.  In nature, a tree will eventually release all of carbon it has sequestered when it dies or burns down. That's why trees are carbon neutral and if, you can make something out of the tree before it dies or burns, like lumber or paper, you are actually sequestering the carbon forever.  So buying more paper and cutting down old trees for lumber seems like a good solution.

The worse thing about the climate debate are the people doing the debating, if climate change and carbon sequestration are well  beyond the purview of elected or self appointed leaders from any party or group I got to thinking: what motivates the folks in this debate and I have found some great medical phobia's that might describe the whole thing.

Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions: Especially ones you don't agree with.

Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news: Most of the people in the climate debate are clamouring for bad news.

Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge: This one is pretty obvious on both sides.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words: This is why science is having such a tough time making inroads.

Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility: Unless, of course it fits the election cycle.

Next time you wonder why nothing but doom and gloom seem to be forthcoming on this topic, this might help explain a thing or two. The folks involved aren't just zealots, they have deeper  issues.

Here's where I see it going: Climates change all the time, if not we'd be yielding to tyrannosaurus's on the highway and our beaches, deserts and mountains would be all wrong.  We have survived ozone layers depleting,  Chernobyl is the most natural place in Ukraine, nature just created a beetle that eats plastic, this critter will be popular until he eats a hole in your $400. MEC backpack.  Carbon dioxide, like natural gas in the Turner Valley days is simply a compound for which we haven't found a use yet, but we will, of that I am sure, because while the science of  climate change remains fuzzy over who we should blame, the science of fixing it,  regardless of who's fault it is, is going ahead full speed. And that is the beauty of being human and loving science.


Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Monkey Minds. Avoiding manufactured discontent.


I was frustrated by the radio, I have it on all day as I work and it seemed like every station had exactly 12 songs that they played over and over again. Katie suggested I tune in CKUA, and I did briefly as I got an ear full of very obscure classical lute music. The more I listened the more I noticed that they don't repeat any music and play everything from classical lute solo's to Corb Lund and rap. The other things I noticed was there is no news, no mindless banter by a bunch of talking heads and mostly no opinions, or advertising.  I tuned every radio I own to this station.

This blog is not about mindless banter, (or is it just that?)  it is about the thought process behind avoiding mindless banter and how I stay in touch with a world that is about as out of control as it could be.  We are endlessly barraged with fears and cures: You have this problem, buy this to solve it. And it's not just products, it's opinion: Here is the problem, this therefore, is the sensible opinion, all others have to be wrong, because this is how sensible people think.

This is how climate change skeptics are kept under control and religious opinion is held to a minimum. It is basically  refined censorship by public outing.  A friend of mine recently made a comment on twitter about how being an MLA was the best job most MLA's would ever have. It was a GREAT job, I'd probably never do it again, but it was great.  He was vilified for his opinion. Now you might agree with him or not, but opinion is never wrong. The reason I am being so selective in how I ingest  and now post to media is a lot of my opinions are a lot harsher than his, but so long as the thought police stay busy manning photo radar I'm pretty much free to think what I want.  Which includes not buying into manufactured discontent.

Some things make me go hmm, like the Canadian media filming so called refugees from New York stepping through a muddy ditch on their way to safety in Canada. The hmm, part was a lot of the footage was filmed from the American side of the border as I guess the camera angle was better.  Absorb that: This isn't about a not my president movement, this is about  creating  a nonexistent refugee crisis in Canada. Hell we could solve the problem by fixing the broken fence or installing an electric one. Refugees don't show up at the border with visa gold cards and Mountain Equipment Coop luggage.  Point being, there is no such thing as an American refugee, just send them home, we don't need to process them or feed them, we need to  hand cuff them and escort them back to the taxi that dropped them off. If we shot one the problem would be solved. These people aren't escaping oppression. They are escaping a duly elected Republican they didn't vote for.

But our media colleagues, who tend to kind of morph together have whatever opinion is on the teleprompter or handed to them by the advertisers, have us thinking we have a refugee crisis  with  Americans desperate to escape a duly elected Republican President they don't like, we don't.

Our own system is no better, I have only ever had two conversations with party politicians where they had anything good to say about the other party. Those two, by the way, were Ralph Klein and Pam Barrett.

So by divesting myself of the background noise of media, I am free to form my own opinions, look for good stories and find inspirational acts by others and there are lots today for example:
  • Kirsten Palten, a Swede, just ran 1,840 km across Iran to prove it was safe, it was. 
  • There is a nun in the USA who, at age 86, has competed in 40 Ironman triathlons. They call her the Iron Nun and for those of us who went to catholic school they were all Iron Nuns. 
  • Heterosexual men in Holland are holding hands in support of LGBTQ people, that's nice.

The point is: I don't have the disease and I don't need the cure. There is a very good reason my TV has an off button and I have an MLB and Netflix subscription. So long as the beer is cold, the Cubs are winning and Longmire making new episodes, I'm happy.

My solution to all this is, for me,  called mindfulness and like Kirsten Palten demonstrates, the truth is not the same as the story we are being fed.  I'm not a conspiracy theorist, it's much simpler than a conspiracy, the Buddhists call it Monkey Mind, the inability to focus on what matters because we are being bombarded by useless things disguised as important things.

If your house is on fire, you have an important thing to think about. If you are mad because Sarah Hoffman called Brian Jean a  sewer rat, you are thinking about a useless thing.  






Thursday, December 22, 2016

Government revenue rule one: Only tax things people can't live without. Where DID all the smoke from the Fort MacMurray wild fire go anyway?




As we enter 2017,  it's time to gaze into the old crystal ball and make a couple of predictions about the Alberta Carbon Tax:

As a strategy, taxing something people cannot live without, like carbon, is a brilliant way to provide a secure stream of revenue to government.  Taxation of things that are optional, like beer and cigarettes always results in less demand for both, carbon though is beautiful in that we cannot live without it. 

Can't live without it you say! I'm a free range organic Vegan I don't need carbon.  Right, name one thing you, as a free range organic vegan, consume that does not, at some point, ride in a truck?  Trucks are fuelled by diesel, gasoline or propane which is a carbon constituent, therefore no option exists, if on the other hand you only eat food that naturally falls off trees you might be different. And never forget that  eating local isn't an option in Alberta in winter, unless you have a potato fetish.

Not heating your house is not an option, wearing an ugly sweater will just make you look goofy and will not save the planet.   Heating with wood isn't an option, if we encourage people to do that there won't be a tree  within 100 miles in five years. This would be detrimental to photo radar as they would have no bushes to hide behind, and the smoke would cause all sorts of health complaints, especially from those who don't have wood stoves and who's homes are poorly insulated.

So carbon, is by it's nature the ideal constituent for taxation. Everyone uses it every day, aside from water there is no element more commonly consumed.

The hue and cry from the population will lessen over time, people will adapt and they will complain and in 2019 likely vote for the person who agrees that a carbon tax is bad.

That person upon taking office will realize what a great deal this tax is and will be loath to cancel it sighting the shortfall in government revenues that need to be made up in a diversified economy.

And the prediction:

The carbon tax is going to be replaced by a general sales tax.    "We got rid of the carbon tax but we really need the money, so here's a three percent sales tax"

Premier Notley could have saved a lot of angst by just being honest and going straight for the sales tax, but that would have missed out on the whole diversification boondoggle and looked like a cash grab. The carbon tax is a cash grab, but one with moral and pure intent that cannot be argued against because the climate is changing and we have to protect the children, ignoring that Alberta, indeed Canada is already basically carbon neutral thanks to the Boreal Forest that covers so much of it. 

There is no talk of planting more trees to sequester carbon, nor are there incentives for the reduction in carbon, just a nuisance tax that will eventually be organic, much like the GST.  The GST is, of course, another tax Conservatives swore they would get rid of but somehow never did, the same thing will happen here.

It's still the green phase of the election cycle, yellow starts next year and red in 2018, The Premier knows she has two years for people to get used to the idea and if she does lose the next election,  which is a strong possibility,  don't expect this thing to go away even if she does.

Merry Christmas